new node novelty nuance neural network neurosis

taking a sip of my tea when i notice - what are those? hairs? worms! they’re worms! i’m drinking worms!

wait.

close my eyes really tight and open them again. there was nothing in my tea.

wait.

this is a dream. i’m having a dream right now!

wake up.

i’m on my side, i’m in…a white dress? i can’t move, sleep paralysis again, i’m used to it by now.

wait.

i can feel a presence very strongly, a woman. she starts to…pour into me? i’m suffocating. it’s my mother? why is her spirit here? she died? i’ve been having a few dreams recently that she died.

wait.

this is a dream. i’m having a dream right now!

wake up.

a new thought visited me yesterday, an idea that actually, i like losing my marbles so to speak. ultimately inconsequential, and it’s more fun this way no? it’s more full! the drama and tragedy and mania of it all!

but also i’m thinking, ive never experienced it any other way. what if things were quiet up here and i was normal. what if i was a normal, fit,healthy guy with nice teeth, good mental health, a stable lifestyle, good family and friends, a hot girlfriend, working in a chill tech bro space where i wear flip flops and work on my laptop in the company grass. what if the sun is shining gently, my toes are running through the grass, and i’m looking forward to seeing the concert tonight with my girlfriend, and grilling in the backyard with the boys on saturday? i can see it, i can feel the warm gentle sun, im there, im really there, this is such a good life im living. im looking forward to growing old and watching my grandkids run around. im so glad i chose this life path.

“you didn’t.”

ah, that’s right, i didn’t.

but i was just there? i was literally right there! my skin still feels warm from the gentle sunlight. i was there.

if i wasn’t, what were we doing?

“watching lectures on programming “random” neural networks into simulated populations and watching them evolve over generations”

oh, right.

that’s less fun.

were we thinking about anything else?

“it is the death that replaces the mother's love in the heart of the cursed child”

what does that mean?

“if she’s dead then that puts an end to this endless agonizing and urge to reach out for her. if there’s no one to want to go back to, you can finally commit to moving forward”

well that’s a bit macabre isn’t it? i did think it though, i dared not say it out loud. i must admit im quite disoriented.

“we’re keeping stock”

and?

“it’s all fucked, it’s a fiasco.”

ah any recourse?

“someone could shoot us in the fucking head. there’s no salvaging any of this.”

quite possible! one can only hope.

it’s all been a very sad affair. i haven’t the energy to keep it up any longer.

fucking cat won’t stop yowling every time someone leaves the house.

can’t you empathize? anyway who’s turn is it?

“siouxsie blackwater’s”.