PUNCHLINE!: Super Id

All of my partners have been beautiful, but my first one had a face hand painted by God. It was horrible! On top of that, she had large, impossibly perky breasts, muscular thighs, fiery green/amber eyes, and a smile to smite the devil himself. HORRIBLE! MADDENING! I was constantly (hilariously, unnecessarily, and quite futilely) fighting off the attentions of well, everyone! We’d frequently get stopped on the street by people wanting to tell her how beautiful she was.

I noticed after our first year together, that she wouldn’t really deny people by telling them that she already had a boyfriend. When I asked her about this, she said “people simply don’t care, or it motivates them more.” Stunned is an understatement. My whole world view, entire paradigms became warped, twisted, bitter, dark.

“PARANOOOOIIA! PARANOOOOIA!”

Yes exactly. I truly lost my shit in that relationship, arguably the ugliest I’ve ever been. Fast forward a few years, there’s this guy I want, but he has a boyfriend. I don’t fucking care. One day while out for tea he confides in me that his partner had actually cheated on him and- glee. True, profound joy.

I remembered that today as I was washing dishes and realized, oh wow, now I get it, she was telling the truth. I know because I became the sort of person she was talking about and… I don’t feel bad in the slightest bit. In fact, it’s funny to me. It’s funny that, the sorts of people I was so twisted up about, that I hated so much, that I lamented endlessly and lost sleep over… I became them!

“You’re a piece of shit. Like an actual shitty person.”

Yes darling, have I ever pretended to be anything else?

“Never, not a once, often the opposite.”

Correct!

It really is all so funny. She FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE ON MY BIRTHDAY, slept with THREE of my friends, and the only feelings I have towards her these days are…. Compassion? Understanding? Remorse? is there a word that means you genuinely and sincerely wish someone well?

That word, whatever it is.

M, Im sorry we turned out to be so similar after all that.