what to do about my face

i understand that the general consensus is that i’m quite easy on the eyes, but some days i find myself so grotesque i struggle to breathe.

it feels ungrateful and even blasphemous to say, but god i really am so ugly. i know there are people who would kill to look like me but for my own reality and lived experience, i am not one of those people.

my eyes my nose my cheeks my forehead oh god!

and to get on camera for tens of thousands of people to see every day?!

here ill say what a nauseating body horror nightmare experience it is to shave every morning and have visible stubble by the end of the day, sometimes i swear i can feel the hairs creeping, piercing through my skin and to some of you reading this that sounds like the most affirming dream! understandably so.

it really is all so sick and twisted.

i keep running into this same brick wall, and i keep pushing through or past it but dear god be merciful

i simply cannot do it any longer.

i’d rather

“don’t say things that aren’t true”

“𝖘𝖆𝖞 𝖎𝖙, 𝖇𝖊 𝖋𝖗𝖊𝖊”

i’d rather die

“if i can’t be beautiful.”

even if i screamed the sound would be indirect