in the absence of a sinclair
i’ve become stuck in my ways
it’s interesting there’s such a resistance within to describe my- to address this as “me, I” the anecdote/experience i was about to share, well i have the memory, i was there, but it wasn’t me. i suppose it must be acknowledged, and i suppose in a way in a purely material physical sense it was us
me.
us? anyway.
my first year in college lingering through my first real devastating break up. i’d been in bed for? i’ve shared this anecdote before- weeks i think. i was in bed for weeks and id been out of any food i could stockpile within arms reach so i laid there and starved.
eventually it became too much and the pure animal survival brain threatened to take over. i needed to get up, put on pants, go down the hallway, get into the elevator, push a button, go down to the lobby, make small talk during, get to the walk way, push the button, cross the street, climb the stairs, scan my id in to unlock the door, head into the cafeteria, grab food, wait in line, on and on
i really did try but i couldn’t get out of bed i pulled the blanket back over my torso, and surrendered to the nauseating gnawing of hunger. i fell asleep soon after, rather quickly actually - you see, i had never felt more comfortable than right then. in that moment when i decided to give in to no longer fight, it felt like slipping into a warm pool of morphine.
lately i’ve been feeling like i’ve done that again on a broader scale. i’m comfortable in my misery, in my introversion. Growing neuroticism, comfort in the perpetual crisis. I truly do believe i make my best art when i’m in the pits of despair, well- i do my best writing at least. and when im miserable at a job, when im being yelled at by a boss truly upset with how their life turned out, im such an efficient little soldier.
perfect execution, perfect execution, perfect.
misery is comfort, misery is home, is love. But by my own philosophy, that’s rich a miserable waste of life.
I wish for it to change, and that’s the first step to enacting change, is to desire it.
I don’t want to cloak myself in misery any more.
yknow its interesting, i just can’t quite figure out how to make funny or well performing videos like sinclair and caliban can. try as i may, its just not the same. just doesn’t perform as well.
a shame.
though we do all have our own talents and interests. it’s what makes earth so interesting! for example, did you know, there are people obsessed with this little worm creatures known as C. Elegans.
Caenorhabditis elegans.
it’s by far the most popular organism for experimentation.
one day someone tweeted that these worms are quite overrated and it erupted into a whole social media war!
a whole world and culture most of us know nothing of. fascinating.
it takes all sorts, we are all sorts.
well, aethelfled
long may she reign.
post script
the elder mcqueen slipped out today
rushed along the hard wood floor on hands and feet to bite at a mate’s ankles
the thought impulse came and then i was standing up dusting off my palms and playing it off as a joke
how fun
