wish you were here

2/13/25

around 8:30 at night, got baskin robins then went to the beach with adrian and jèsus. they’ve been really wonderful, the whole friend group, earlier this week they took me to the BEST southern food place i’ve ever had. i paid for everyone’s dinner secretly, they were all shocked and baffled as to why. they don’t know it but the kindness and friendship they’ve shown me since i moved in has been more than life saving, i can’t say “ we literally just met but i love you, i appreciate you” that would be weird, so i snuck in to the restaurant from our outside seating and paid. a bit irresponsible of me but what else is the paycheck from that shitty job for right?

wish you were here!

2/14

went back to the southern food place just collin and i, always nice when it’s just easy to be around and talk to someone. had an old and chatty uber driver on the way back, nice guy, very lonely- bit of a sad story. he’s from Ohio originally but after being divorced for 15 years he was desperate to have a wife again and was committed to making it work no matter what. “married a chinese girl, she’s 15 years younger than me” he said. she felt very out of place in ohio and insisted on moving back to the island where her 3 friends (they’re basically sisters according to charles) live. china town is particularly interesting here, i imagine he now feels out of place.he talked a lot about being far away from his kids and grand kids, how he’s struggling to make ends meet and how his social security isn’t enough so he drives uber, how he fears his grandkids growing up without really knowing who he is etc etc. essentially he’s sacrificed everything because he’s so desperate to be in this marriage and have it work. loneliness is a hell of a thing. charles is 73 and somehow reminds me so much of myself, he was a nice guy but meeting him further reinforced the lesson that i truly do need to let go. His dad died at 61, cancer from smoking too much, “we just couldn’t get him to stop” his mother at 78. he was still bitter about his father’s smoking habit but then went on to tell me about the heavy drinking habit he nursed in his thirties. “i cut way back(he only drinks once a week now he says, which may very well mean 3 or 4 times) i probably did some damage to myself but im not gonna change who i am” he said this verbatim and i wondered if he was aware of just how similarly he was mirroring his dad.

earlier at dinner a local bird walked about our table looking for scraps, i made a comment about how much i’d love to eat it.

“really?” collin asked

“oh yeah dude i’d season and rotisserie it so good”

collin then made a comment about how much of an african thing i was saying at that moment and i burst out laughing because he was absolutely correct. i vaguely remember a few instances where my father would comment on the culinary viability of various animals either passing by or being mentioned in conversation. i remember being horrified every time and now here i am.

earlier today in a different car ride i found myself absolutely enraptured by Santana’s Oye Como Va, and damn near lost my mind when the station transitioned into a Sade song next.

“i wish my dad could see me now, this was the exact same music he’d often be listening to that i found so lackluster, or annoying, and now here i am absolutely slamjamming to it”

collin shared a similar sentiment and we laughed about it, the laughter continued when he mentioned having to fight the urge to use his middle finger on keypads like the older black folks in our lives often did.

i guess that was the through line for today.

i’m here in bed now sniffing a rose i got from the restaurant.

i no longer hate roses.

i no longer wish you were here.

10 ish pm

I just received a rejection message for a job I really wanted.

“thank you for the opportunity to interview doctor, please do keep me in mind in the future for any opportunities that may be a better fit. all the best”

was my response. in the minutes following, i started to think about walking into the ocean.

i have a job, i have other opportunities and offers, it’s probably for the best, i know the emotions im feeling are disproportionate, inappropriate, do not define me etc etc all the healthy ways you’re supposed to think about these things.

it’s still brought up those very familiar thoughts and feelings about wanting to end it all.

silly me! i always think ive finally escaped.

2/15

walked out from my new job without saying anything to anyone, went to the mall with friends, got a nice shirt from uniqlo, got some toys at hot topic, visited my old neighborhood, saw my favorite old lady renee at the 7-11, saw my favorite cashier at the anime store, we laughed about how none of the current season anime interest us at all, have a date tomorrow, i’m day dreaming a lot about her, we’re going to the farmers market, maybe we’ll cook together after, maybe we’ll make out, maybe we’ll do more, job interview elsewhere on monday, hope it works out, hope i find a new job by the middle of next month, life’s good at the moment, if it stops being good im finally at the age i always knew id die so, that’s fine too.

feeling not as bad physically as i had been recently.

2/16

sitting under a tree at the farmer’s market, waiting for my date. i hate to admit it but im homesick despite being in the only place that’s ever felt like home, and i miss my family. i keep daydreaming of calling my family; seeing their faces and hearing their voices. it’s truly such an insidious thing, if i hadn’t been born into a relationship with them, id want nothing to do with these people. even discounting that, i mean man the beatings, the screaming, the fighting. how much more could someone do to you to prove you should run away from them as fast as possible? how could i still miss them after all of that?

my date is late because their family kept erupting into arguments all morning.yesterday at the mall i observed no less than 5 interactions between two of my roommates who’ve been dating for four years (a seemingly happy four years) that were characterized by conflict. it was stressful and anxiety inducing to watch. i distinctly remember the nauseating feeling of being in those many little arguments about nothing important that somehow make you reconsider your entire life and future, why am i trying to run back into that?! why am i sitting under a tree letting various insects feast upon me in some way or another for the sake of spending a few hours with a stranger who let’s face it, is likely to disappear from my life once they start to unravel the (honestly not so mysterious) sinclair of it all.

god help me, the more i think about my life the more i want to die.

however , i’ve been sitting here for 39 minutes, ive only just now looked down to my left and noticed- a few drops of morning dew, silver, crystalline resting on some blades of grass.

a chicken approaches, looking for scraps. around the corner of the tree a bird i don’t know the name of. a heron? it’s white with a sharp yellow beak, long orangish legs it runs around on. another of its kind has just flown down and runs directly to the one who came before. there’s a yellow flower among the clovers.

so much going on, it’s all so beautiful!

i still want to die.

how ungrateful, how terrible, someone free me from this.

post script.

noticed a few patches of clovers around me, can’t seem to find one with four leaves. i suppose them being so seemingly rare is why they apparently induce luck. i’m thinking that if there were any around, someone would have probably picked them up by now.

“crooked trees don’t get cut down for lumber”

yes but am i the crooked tree or the straight one because im certainly feeling very cut down

“you aren’t either, you aren’t anything, and soon will be less than that.”

ah.

6:39pm

i remember now why i left.

incredibly short sighted of me to forget so quickly! in endless grey concrete slabs of an american city, dead of january winter time, i can delude myself into thinking the environment is the cause- the catalyst for this endless and insidious melancholy.

in paradise however!

76 gorgeous degrees, god’s most unrelentingly awe inspiring, LUSH! VERDANT! MOUNTAINS! that bring me to TEARS if i dare to look at them for too long.

as i was doing the dishes the other day i looked up through my kitchen window and saw a bird pecking away at something on the papaya tree growing right outside that window.

don’t even get me started on the beauty of the people surrounding me! i mean good lord the thighs around me sweet heavens the thighs and the sun flecked eyes!

what more could i ask for? what more could i need?

“family, friends,love, health,fulfillment,purpose.”

i am in bedroom. the walls are white, the closet doors are white, the long blackout curtains amazon delivered today- white. bed frame mattress and sheets, grey. UNIQLO Men's Premium Linen Stand Collar Shirt hanging from my curtain rod, grey-arguably beige. the roses drying out to be preserved and placed as decoration- white. the stained glass frosted window film with curling floral patterns vaguely invoking labic sensibilities-white, very faint lavenders and beiges.

everything in shades of grey or empty white is the plan for the interior design of this room.

i realize only now that im invoking the imagery of those memory pods. a place to step inside and be wiped clean.

10:58pm

animation was one of my first passions you know, i went to college for it even! dropped out though. sometimes i see a great work of animation and i think “i’m so glad i didn’t kill myself so i could be alive to see this.”

i don’t remember the first time but i do recall the last, spiderverse 2 at the alamo drafthouse in chicago.

i just started an anime called Zenshuu, about a young burnt out anime director who gets isekai’d. art about making art, like bakuman,eizoken, etc is one of, if not my favorite genre! and isekai is a close second or third depending on the day, so an anime blending the two genres, animated by MAPPA who are clearly putting their hearts and souls into it, featuring so many homages to classic legendary animation moments i mean-

i screamed constantly during the second half of episode 1. perfect exposition, perfect pacing, god the animation, THE ANIMATION! THE SAKUGAAAA! easily the best thing i’ve seen in months if not years!

i finished the episode and

it’s definitely the kind of thing that would be guaranteed to make me say “i’m so glad i didn’t kill myself so i could be alive to see this.” but this time, despite knowing that’s what i’m supposed to be feeling (and trust me with how good this episode 1 was, i’d 100% be feeling that way)

this time though it’s not enough i guess. i can only feel that constant dull ache in my heart.

oh well.

i’ve started thinking that, i’m not a noble or good enough person to continue living because i know how much it’ll hurt others if i don’t after all.

2/17

i dreamt i met an australian girl named adelaide. i was being silly with the boys goofing off like teenagers doing pretend fighting moves when i ended up in her personal space which naturally she was peeved with. i apologized as politely and profusely as i could but she wasn’t having any of it, she was a tiny bit bitchy rather, but i guess the dream version myself likes a little bit of attitude so i bantered back a bit. she grabbed my wallet and opened it up to read the contents inside but i very quickly wrestled it from her hands as the lads dragged me away and told her there was nothing in there she needed to see. as we all walked through the door back inside i smiled, waved and “bye adelaide” in a playful way. the boys all got a kick out of the whole interaction.

it only occurred to me when i woke up that i never told adelaide my name and she had grabbed my wallet to find out. my kinda girl hahaha.

its a bit pathetic to be basking in the after glow of a dream but it does feel like that’s the only way i can experience a moment like that.

i feel so awful and dysphoric these days that i can’t quite earnestly open up to anyone or confidently engage in the mating rituals of it all. nice face, charming personality at times but man there is just so so much in the fine print to deter any potential suitors- the fact of the matter is im not the easy option or path of least resistance for anyone, and unfortunately that does genuinely feel horrible.

and that’s not to say anything about a consistently safe and loving friend group.

ah man, if i met adelaide in real life i-

well who can say, its just a dream.

it’s all just been a dream.

i hope i dream of adelaide again one last time.

8:31am

talking to a friend about drying flowers and hanging them in my room the way they do currently

“Wah omg I am honored. I love the dried flowers in my room”

“i used to do it a lot and also press them in books but i forgot myself somewhere along the way ig”

“(name) used to do that and I have found so many surprise flowers in books they left with me”

and just like that i felt my heart break even impossibly further and the tears start flowing down my face.

i never met their friend who killed themselves and shares a birthday with my mother but i still grieve the loss.

the coincidences between us are a bit uncanny. we had the same crow tarot deck, the same purple stuffed bunny, apparently the same habit of pressing flowers into books as well, among a host of many other traits and sensibilities.

every time i’ve come across someone i feel i can truly relate to, i feel truly understands, it turns out they killed themselves actually.

perhaps it is ordained for me- catastrophe, grief.

2/18

everyone is playing D&D in the living room. i’ve wished for the last few years to be part of a group like this, but now that the opportunity has arrived, i find myself locked up in my room, unable to join or even observe, unable to be good company because

𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖕𝖞 𝖇𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖍𝖉𝖆𝖞

mm

how do you feel today?

heartache

]45;’) :‡?( 26(;4†5: ]6)4?

my wish is to go home. i want to see my mom and dad and my little sister, and i want them to look upon me with kindness and understanding, and to just accept me without questioning me about why i am the way i am, or why ive done this to myself.

𝖈𝖍𝖔𝖔𝖘𝖊 𝖘𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖊𝖑𝖘𝖊

i cant

you have to, this is it time is up

i can’t, its the only thing im still even a little bit entitled to ask for. everything else i have no right to insist upon, or simply just don’t deserve.

vg vf urer. vg vf jnvgvat.

i know, im ready.

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if i am unwell, cannot be made well, and my unwellness brings distress to all who know my name, is it not immoral to do so? am i not capable of at least one noble deed? i want to be capable of goodness.

post script:

i had fun, be good. you do not have to be, but be good.

furthermore:

i love you, bye!