you do not have to be good

To my friends, some of whom I call family:

Firstly, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I am the way I am but try as I have over all these years I cannot seem to be any other way. Part of what that means is that when things get bad I tend to disappear, and friends, things are bad. I have indeed terminated my phone lines yet again and I’ve left to go somewhere no one knows me.I don’t want anyone to bear witness.

“You are experiencing a clinical decline we wouldn’t expect to see from someone your age.”

is just about the only thing I remember from my first oncology appointment and since then it’s proving true. This roller coaster of ill health is quite turbulent,I no longer wish to subject anyone to it, I want to be alone.The good news only ever lasts a few days at most before some new malefic development rears its head.

The spectacle is becoming ugly and I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful. Still, I have never truly lived for me. I’ve only pursued treatment because I felt I owed it to everyone who’s invested any inkling of care (of any sort) in me. I do not feel I have paid off that debt, I do not believe I have atoned enough for existing as I am.

I will keep trying, I have more appointments coming up, I’ve started taking my vitamins, I get a lot of sunlight (though that in itself makes me ill lol, how impossibly ill suited can one person be for existing on this planet fr?)

I hope to one day return beautiful again, I would pop up in a video by the ocean and say “I beat cancer you think I won’t beat ur ass?!”

(Maybe that’s only funny to me but the thought makes me chuckle every time.)

I’ll try to get better, sorry if I die.

Just sorry in general, for everything, for being so stupid and frustrating and always in crisis or on the verge of death.Sorry.

I never understood what anyone saw in me so sorry for whatever it is I let you down over.

I’m just really sorry.

Sorry.