샴푸의 요정 / Into Eternity

When I was a boy, I was obsessed with the idea of “true love”. I do not invoke obsession lightly. Now that I’m older, I understand the motivations behind most of my childhood thoughts, behaviors, proclivities. Not that one however. I could assign a plausible reasoning quite easily. I can say “I was obsessed with it because I wanted to know so desperately what it was like to be loved unconditionally, given I never experienced that from my parents.”

But that doesn’t ring quite true with the same certainly other things do.

I don’t know why I wanted it so badly, but I now believe I’ve experienced it, I got what I so desperately wanted, and it may kill me.

My friends, family and onlookers otherwise unacquainted have frequently accused me of too often having a flare for the dramatic. I wish there was a way to make them have the true understanding that I exist as quite the contrary. I have no flare or inclination towards dramatics, everything has always been math, matter of fact, straightforward. I wish you would all understand and have this in mind when I say -

I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot focus on my work, or anything for that matter. I cannot move forward in time, I cannot sincerely open myself to any other people whatsoever, I cannot truly laugh, I cannot think clearly, I cannot maintain a grasp on sanity or personhood. I simply cannot be after knowing such a thing and then losing it.

“this has gone on far too long, you must stop this! if it was true it wouldn’t be this way, it would be easy, it would have worked!”

It is because it’s been so difficult and ruinous that I know it was real.

“the fact remains, if it was true love as you say, this would be a mutual experience, they wouldn’t be able to stay away from you in this way.”

I don’t know that it isn’t a mutual experience.I don’t know anything at all except for the existence of this immovable, impervious pit that settled in at the bottom of my heart when he was gone.

Besides, both of you, all of you know. You were there, you saw and felt it as I did. That was it, that was the one.

“it will kill you! us!”

Good.

I will wait a billion, billion years at the edge of the universe to see my husband again, no matter where he’s gone, no matter who he’s been with, no matter what he’s done.

Mon coeur, if you see this somehow, chess.