2PM in the castle in my head
I. I’m outside watching a rabbit play when suddenly its head comes flying off. Severed completely, an immaculately clean cut. I blink in shock, and when my eyes focus again, the rabbit is looking at me. Its gnawing on an apple fallen from the tree its been grazing under. Head intact, still attached to its body.
II. I feel myself run into a wall of some sort, almost like a force field. Dazed, I step back and realize the wall is behind my eyes.
III. Movie night with a new group of friends. Everyone is tall and beautiful. One in particular, really has my eye and I know for a fact they felt similarly at some point before I left. They return from the restroom and I hear a voice say “come here” playfully- no, in a sultry way. I look down and see my hand beckoning with fingers. They approach, and I laugh it off, jokingly apologizing. They turn and find their seat.
IV. My roommate is talking. He’s saying something about the surreality of watching the Hinge notifications pop up on my phone, overlaying the wallpaper that is a picture of myself and my ex at the lake in Wellesley. I don’t remember when I made this my wallpaper again, I’ve regressed since ending things with Banana.
V. I’m terribly sleep deprived. I’ve never been subject to such extreme jet lag nor for it to last so long. On top of that, I’m hungover. Too hungover to continue writing
VI. Parasite and Silence of the lambs for movie night. I couldn’t watch either. One of the actresses in the first film is similar in appearance and some mannerisms to yujin. I also cant stand to hear the particular inflection, the lilt that appears so often in the korean language. It’s perhaps very hard to notice if you aren’t listening for it, but its always there, I always hear it, and it always reminds me of what he sounded like talking on the phone with his grandparents that winter.
I couldn’t watch the second film because I didn’t want to risk downloading Hannibal Lecter’s personality. When I said this, the one I have eyes for was bemused. It seemed a foreign concept to him.
It’s funny how often I forget just how strange and far gone I really seem to have become.
Even more alien. Even farther away.
