pinch of salt//you’re the one

my presence is making things more difficult for the people around me it seems

a constant energy suck, an ever present reminder of a horribly grim fact of life

salt in the wound no?

you’re dying slowly and also every one around you is having a worse day because of it

what a cunt god is huh?

what black humor!

diabolical really.

i’ll do my best to disappear quickly so everyone can get back to enjoying life

as though dark clouds are finally separating.

i always, always wanted to be the sun.

had a therapist tell me once “you can admire something and not try to become it.”

it’s silly and sounds stupid and i don’t even believe in it but it haunts me

had a friend once who was very deeply into tarot cards and all that stuff

she looked at my chart and saw all the scorpio in chiron blah blah blah and said

“you’re ruled by death”

it wasn’t meant to be a bad thing i know

death is a good card in tarot

but these days especially, every time i look in the mirror i see my necklace

rectangular silver pendant

small metal cast of the death card

and i feel my throat tighten

i have never been able to stop ruminating about my own mortality, ive been obsessed

and now it’s staring back at me

giving me plenty of time to drink it in

i understand it more everyday

and i know now that ill never be the sun.

i’ll never be the sun.

still, life wasn’t so bad.