eschatology:final confessions
i’m learning a lot about myself as i ruminate on these final moments
i’m astounded by how much of me is so hopelessly dedicated to everything but myself
the sexual fantasies circling my head today centered (as they so often do) around cunnilingus. i take pride in how good i am at it, i am fulfilled by service.
as i yearn for and conjure images of long lost love
“𝖔𝖍 𝖜𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖊,𝖔𝖍 𝖜𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖊 𝖍𝖆𝖘 𝖒𝖞 𝖏𝖚𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖙 𝖌𝖔𝖓𝖊”
i see an image of myself as a cupbearer kneeling, head bowed, arms raised high holding and offering a drinking plate to some unseen figure.
i loved to serve and i lived to please
i created entertainment for others
i learned to cook for others
an instrument of pleasure. that’s all i ever was, an instrument of pleasure.
everybody’s everything is all i ever wanted to be
and now i am dying alone.
i hope i was of some worth to you.
i hope i made you feel good.
i still want to make you feel good. even now, at the end of things, that’s what im thinking about, that’s what’s motivating me.
to say “don’t be like me!”
so that you’ll feel good in the end.
unlike me.
post script confession
i was always playing a character anyway, i have no real personality, there is no real me.
in truth i don’t even think of myself as a human being
in my minds eye i see myself as some sort of serpent shapeshifter born in mud. completely emotionally inept, i was just pretending to be able to care. for me, outside of rare moments or extreme and severe events, emotions were like watching a video of a campfire. i could see the fire, i could imagine how it smelled and what the warmth must have felt like, but couldn’t actually experience it. what an empty and wasted existence.
i want to leave things on a happy note but perhaps the truth is more worthwhile.
i miss my friends and family as they were, warts and all; but the versions of me they may miss are falsehoods
i never understood why anyone loved me
still don’t
to die in darkness and loneliness was a fitting punishment
no hell was necessary after the life i lived
farewell
