kinda funny

“you can’t be angry at god unless you believe in him.” and as those endlessly obnoxious christians like to posit “to know god is to love god” so I suppose you can’t hate him without the former either.

woke up screaming in sheer terror from a nightmare i can barely remember now

don’t even know what i was screaming about but perhaps that’s a good thing

bitter 5am exchange with a former friend who’s somehow managed to make his way to the very short very exclusive list of people i know personally and actually sincerely detest- hate even

it’s amazing how the entire nature of a friendship, or really any sort of interpersonal relationship, these things we hold to be such unbelievably important cornerstones and pillars of our every day realities, can be so easily turned upside down, mutated and utterly destroyed with the utterance of a few sentences, words even

vibrations in the air, letters on a screen. nothing tangible, phantasms at best and yet suddenly the entire outlook of my reality and future has changed- to say drastically would be an understatement

it’s all so tiresome, to the point where those thoughts have started whispering again to make their presence known. “i wish i was dead so i wouldn’t have to deal with any of this bullshit”

really is all so very tiresome, but thankfully that means i’m rapidly approaching that liberating point of tiredness induced apathy.

man what a shit show, years of work on opening up to and trusting people undone in one fell swoop. i felt the regression immediately, it was almost palpable.

fuck it really and fuck them.

sounds like the punchline to a shitty joke now but even up until recently, one of my ultimate goals was to attain bodhisattva like qualities of compassion and ease.

i’m so far away from that goal

Im wound up tight and i’m made of bile. full of anguish and hate, still i try.

still i will try

for some unknown probably stupid or worse and much more likely- completely meaningless and irrelevant reason.