there was a beautiful title to this but i deleted the first draft and forgot
or something like
“God is lonely too.” or “You can’t be angry with god unless you believe in him.”
ja something like this, anyways:
When you go on chemo, you become radioactive to a certain degree did you know this? No kissing, sex, hell you can’t even really sleep next to anyone for an extended period of time without risking making them sick. The stuff seeps out of you, comes out of your pores via your sweat, and other bodily fluids.
It’s really ironic because “I feel like I’m radioactive” was something I used to say quite often. As I explained it once to a counselor in college, no matter what, entirely without intent, malicious or otherwise, people around me just end up hurt. It’s a matter of causality, a fact of nature; you stick your hand in fire you get burnt, you go out in winter you get cold, you spend any amount of time around Sinclair -
It’s baffling, even when I’ve done nothing wrong or perhaps nowhere near as wrong is whoever my current enemy or abuser has, I always still end up watching them wail and scream bloody murder. It’s never “good, you deserve this” it’s almost always “if I wasn’t in your life you wouldn’t have done this thing to me and be suffering the consequences of it now.”
The whole question here is: am I a monster, or a victim myself?
To another therapist I explained that I feel like a spider who befriends flies. I never intend to, but they almost always inevitably get caught up in the web where I live, and I have to watch them slowly struggle to escape or die.
Other spiders are so rare to find, I wish they would reveal themselves to me, but I think that’s against the nature of most spiders, very few of them are as stupid as I am perhaps.
"I am like a small creature swallowed whole by a monster, she thought, and the monster feels my tiny little movements inside."
It’s not fair to myself, especially not this time around. I did not threaten, berate, lie, or any of it like he so often did. I was kind, caring, considerate, he was genuinely and sincerely abusive, he’ll admit to it himself! and yet, here I am listening to him wail for days on end. Endless apologies I feel nothing upon receiving.
I don’t know how to articulate the rest. I feel fine, and I’m wondering if that’s wrong.
“if you really were a bad person, you wouldn’t be so concerned about being a bad person.”
“do you know how many psychopaths have sat in front of my desk and asked how to stop being that way? zero”
so what then, what manner of creature am i that the last noble thing i can do is to isolate myself from all creatures so that they may not hurt simply by being in my presence? even when they are the ones to strike me and i feel nothing while they are undone ?
i could have said so many more harshly true things piercing and serrated words, cutting accusations i know to be true, but i held my tongue because-
hm.
I am in chains. Don’t touch my chains.
The thing about God being lonely is, we’re then the products of him trying to entertain himself. How horrid, how del-
I had a job interview today, every time I blinked it lasted a bit too long. Microsleep or something like that they call it. How can i still be sleep deprived when I’ve spent so many of my days recently almost entirely asleep when I’m not at work.
Even now
even this blog entry
so scatterbrained, so incoherent, every time I blink it lasts 3-5 seconds too long.
Where am I going to go
where will i for once be able to find some peaceful rest
when can i sleep without being assaulted by nightmares
it’s all so
“tiresome”
yes
