i feel i have betrayed myself in a profoundly deep way by letting myself be subject to such terrible treatment for months on end.

in the name of forgiveness, of keeping the peace, of having sympathy for the devil.

i believe this is the root of the fury i find myself being engulfed by these last few days.

i am now and perhaps have always been my one and only caretaker.

i no longer believe in forgiveness, and i now praise selfishness.

don’t let me down. i explicitly said that to him.

this week he said “im sorry i let you down.”

the word has lost its meaning. to be truly sorry about something is a promise that you’ll never do it again. that’s what that means! and yet, 6, 7, 8 times? perhaps more.

never again. i’m sorry to myself. when it comes to this, i actually sincerely will never let us down like this again.