Despereaux

children’s book about a mouse named despereaux

i read it so many times over and over.

a friend just reminded me of it tonight, she said she didn’t want me to “be alone on the way out”

it was surreal to read somehow.

“on the way out.”

we joked about summoning my ghost via oujia boards and such, i told her i’d be coming back as a mouse in a library as i always say, and she said it reminded her of that book.

i hadn’t thought of it in so so long! something i once loved so dearly at that…

i looked it up and one of the search suggestions was

“why was despereaux named that?”

“Despereaux, his mother names him, for all the sadness and despairs in the castle where the mice live.”

How dramatic! how so like me!

Maybe that’s where I got the idea about coming back as a mouse from. I always felt such kinship with Despereaux and all the sadness and despairs that clung on to him from birth.

post script

rhabdomyolysis.

the muscles in my right leg have started to die apparently. cramping and throbbing endlessly, my pain is constant and sharp.

nothing new really.

I remain in good spirits despite it all.

On my way out.

I’ve always been very good at disappearing at a moments notice. I’m looking at my go bag right now, all packed up, documents, passport, etc. I can be out of anywhere in 15 minutes, on a train to the next coast or city within an hour.

No clue how to go about this one though. Anger, bitterness and loneliness all accounted for, somehow when I looked at the blood tests condemning me tonight, I could only laugh.

Even now, there’s a smile on my face.

Despereaux and his sewing needle sword. Looks exactly like the sort I was always borrowing from my mum. Red thread and all.My ears were so big as a kid too, they used to make fun of me for them in a loving way.

Ah I see.

Mouse was the real one all along.