2:46AM in Chicago

sitting on a bench out in the courtyard with a mate while he smokes a cigarette when a voice says

“you know you’ll never actually be happy or even okay again right?”

and before I realize, I say “damn” out loud.

Sometimes you hear things and you know, no- you understand that what you heard is true.

i felt it at my core, in my gut, and for a brief second when the realization dawned on me, my vision went dark. I could not see.