schizophrenia

“the best part of my life is getting to be your big brother”

is all i could say in response to the pages long text from my dear kid sister about the love of christ and how i will die from gender affirmation processes.

i changed her diapers, i raised her while both of our parents worked absurd shifts meaning i’d almost never see them in the house at the same time and when i did, they were more than likely asleep. recovering from the hellscape of being an immigrant laborer.

i raised her, i defended her against their violence, i promised my mother and father i would kill them myself if they ever laid hands on her and now this.

my mother, my father, my sister, my child, my wife, my sanity.

why am i not allowed to have anything?

i just wanted to feed my loved ones and make people laugh.

that’s it.

instead, they killed me.

remember me more fondly than i deserve.