i never learned how to play chess

one of the first few times we were hanging out and they told me something i can’t remember and i responded with something i can’t remember and they said

“so does that mean you still like me?” and i said

“like you? i lo-“

i caught myself and stared off into space in shock at myself for being so crazy i mean we’d barely known each other for less than a month at the time

they burst out in laughter and told me they were talking to their friends earlier about how we’re both constantly playing 4D chess to find ways to avoid saying the L word to each other cus it’s far far too early for that for any sane reasonable people to even consider.

we started saying “chess” instead at each other. it meant “i love you” but i guess it being a different word took away the gravity of it a bit, even if it still had the same meaning.

even when we graduated to “i love you” we’d still often say “chess”.

bitterly poetic that i never learned how to play the actual game itself.

if you love someone and they want nothing to do with you i guess the best most loving thing you can do is to leave them alone but im not a good person and won’t start pretending to be one now so let me be honest and say id do anything just to see them one more time.

one year and eleven months after we fell apart im in my deathbed still thinking about them.

a kind of love you never recover from.

that’s “chess”.