avril 14th pt.2

april 13th

missed you a lot today, considered making that one picture of us my phone wallpaper again. I go back and forth a lot on doing that, it feels regressive, like im not letting go or moving forward, it has after all been 2 years.

Today my mother said to me “it seems that separation has really worried you a lot hasn’t it?” - or something like that, it doesnt translate perfectly into english, and english isnt as poetic a language, the words she used have connotations of a disturbingly deep,lasting effect, and that seems more accurate.

How are things? I sincerely hope life is going very well for you. I think Im in a period of life that is good for me but feels and seems quite bad. Im in a period of life where Im considering walking down to the hardware store and buying a few feet of 3/4 inch thick hemp rope. Ive heard this is the best to use for a noose. At the same time however, I think Im becoming more and more able to accept a life of despair if that’s to be my punishment.

avril 14th

midnight snack. slicing up an avocado for my sandwich when a piece falls off the bread and on to the cutting board. its perfectly fine and i can just put it back on but something said it wasnt for me. i opened the door and threw the piece into the dirt right outside next to the door so that the insects, birds and other small creatures would have something more to rejoice about when the sun rises again. does this mean i’m a good person?

9:33pm

finally caught a new streamer who’s videos ive been enjoying live. this time around he had is partner sitting next to him and can you believe it, their name was also Yujin! It wasn’t you obviously, of course not… The humor isn’t lost on me, certainly not. I’d been checking in every day for a week to see if i could catch him live and when i finally do, punchline! so I cant watch the stream. Its a good joke! great joke even.

18th

This led me to wonder There’s a sentiment that the only way to wash away the pain of a first murder is to commit a second murder, in that way there can be no turning back. Upon hearing this I was immediately reminded of this thing they say, “the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” In my perpetual juvenile angst I remember thinking many years ago, “to love someone is to give them a gun and hope they don’t shoot you. For every second that passes you revel in an unimaginable relief and joy that you are alive and have not been shot, that they love you enough to be very careful about about not doing so, every moment is rapture, and then they shoot you. Is it a self murder to willingly put yourself in this position, again after it happens the first time, especially when you know that even after 10, 30, 60 years of joy and rapture one of you will collapse in front of the other and that pain will be so unbearable youll wish you had been shot.

Christ, listen to me, hilarious.

19th

As Ive become familiar with the evil in my own heart, I cant help but perceive it in others.

Someone in my head said earlier today in still half sleeping stupor, “I would like to be in love.”

Sometimes you just know things, inherently, intuitively, and in that moment I knew it was a preposterous notion.

7:52 pm

I’ve begun the process of slowly poisoning myself by taking large quantities of various minerals,synthetic blends,extracts and concoctions body builders abuse to burn extreme amounts of fat very quickly in tandem with my already damaging meds.When the idea visited me, I looked in the mirror and someone said “you’re gonna be in hell for a while as we do this, are you ready for that? Some of us protested. When I imagine the future however, I can only really picture boredom, tedium, dread. Maybe even if my wildest dreams came true, and that reassured me of this path. The first dose rendered me bedridden for two hours, the 200mg of caffeine per pill made it impossible for me to sleep through it all. So I lay there and endured the suffering I’d inflicted upon myself, as is the general story of my life.

9:03

You know I always thought you were so smart mon cœur and now I believe it more so. You’re the only one among them all who knew not to turn back. Every single person I’ve called a lover came back around once,twice, some even three. But you, you just disappeared. Forever out of reach. That’s my trick! To just suddenly disappear into thin air often without saying goodbye and end up somewhere far away but of course, I’m like this now because after all, you are like me and I am like you, in the bad ways. A taste of my own medicine ja? Really wonderfully poetic stuff. If my vision was not obscured by pain and madness I could look upon it and laugh. I always say “the humor of my situation is not lost on me!” When “bad” things happen to me I can often chuckle about them because I truly see how perfect a punchline it is . This time around I get the joke, certainly, but I can’t bring myself to laugh.

Someone in my head just said it’s time to move on so, I guess that’s it. I do owe you thanks for many things, but especially for revealing to me without a doubt what sort of animal I am, or became through your absence. I can’t pretend anymore.

10:07

i’ve decided to stop listening and watching things, to just sit and sink further into my mind in hopes that i come to some great realization that fixes me.

it seems more likely that i’ll probably just go even more crazy, but that’s probably fine too, so long as the last bits of thread are severed and i lose self awareness. maybe if im not aware of myself, i can’t suffer from being myself.

20th

when i wake up, i think “again? really?”

my mother told me a story from her youth. said when she was dating her current husband she used to just go all the way from her town to his and say hello to him, in our language the phrase translates to “i just wanted to come look upon your face.” then she’d make her way back after literally like 5 minutes. The way she laughed when recounted it made her look like she was 19 again for just a moment. Beautiful story, I went upstairs and swallowed two more pills.

an hour or two later, my heartbeat is rapid, my breathing is shallow, there’s a sharp pain in my abdomen, i feel like i’m going to shit myself, i’m terribly sleepy. i’m trying to write something out but im forgetting

oh, right

Azalea asked if I was happy to be back streaming, when I answered she challenged it by saying “but you look so bright doing it” or something like that. I explain to her that i’m just a somewhat decent actor when it comes to these things. she doesn’t quite believe me, i tell her who i am and she refuses.

my fingers are numb

“Eve”

i can’t remember everyone i’ve dated

“Eeeevvve”

i can’t recall everyone i’ve had sex with but i think that’s common, the dating one is weird though right?”

“we wish our name was Eve”

As in Adam and?

“Yes!”

reading the news, “11 year old girl takes own life after classmates…” my only reaction? jealousy

“ugh, let me out too.” i didn’t quite care about the story, i just wanted to be able to do it too.

last week,sent an ex a picture of a bracelet she bought me,i found in an old drawer, one of a matching pair interconnected. you touch it and your partner’s bracelet vibrates.

did this because i hoped it would cause an ache in her heart, stir up all sorts of feelings. imagining what she’d go through really just… i felt giddy.

she responded saying she’d kept everything i’d given her, i didn’t respond.

she’s gonna read this entry.

hi honey, sorry baby, x. just wanted to make you feel things again!

girl i ghosted kept texting me for a month,kept calling,left voice messages, i finally responded when she sent me a voice note.

I said: “you have a good voice”

she said: “do I? I feel like I sound annoying lmao”

“i’m quite fond of it actually”

“shut up that’s gay >:(”

“ah so you’re this sort huh”

“yeah my love language is bullying”

“wow i used to say that exact line verbatim”

now i will ignore her for another month.

if you’re reading this, any one, anybody, any of you, can you tell me, why doesn’t anyone believe me when i confess?

god my fingers and toes really do feel so cold

i’m so tired.

Caliban,what’s today’s date?

“𝖆𝖕𝖗𝖎𝖑 14𝖙𝖍”

how is it this cold in April, where are we?

“Alaska.”

ah, another nice name.