What sort of porn do you watch vol. 2

The pressure started to build up so I went outside for a smoke. Cool tropical breeze, beautiful sunset clouds. I barely remember what was making me tweak out. Loneliness and cabin fever I think.

Anyway,

One

There’s this one video I find myself circling back to every few months. The guy is strapped into this sort of X shaped cross fixed upon a wall. It’s a BDSM sort of thing and the dominatrix is just teasing him endlessly. Pinching and rubbing and licking, biting, kicking and punching etc etc. Eventually, after a long session of this sort of torture, she bends over in front of him and leans back till he’s inside her. She pauses, and after all this time he’s in heaven - he can barely contain himself! She is equally as ecstatic. They make guttural animalistic noises at each other for some time and then (and this is the single best part) on hands and feet, she starts to crawl away slowly until just the very end of the tip is barely touching her. “Come get it, you can do it” she sings in this very cruel, amused voice. He struggles to reach, an exercise in futility, he is very firmly bound to this cross. I never make it past this point of the video.

I maintain that the sort of porn a person likes to watch tells you almost everything you need to know about them, so I wonder what it says about me that so much of the porn I prefer is actually quite cruel and masochistic to the individuals I’d insert as. There’s really only two types of porn that I favor. One of course always featuring these sorts of bindings and beatings, the other is made by companies with the word “art” in their name. Very long, very slow, impossibly sensual and intimate sessions featuring massages, gentle touches, the softest kisses. But yknow, as I think about it now writing this, those art porn videos also always include that same element of denial. I mean these videos can be 2 hours long and that’s just the edited down versions. It’s not until the very last 5 - 10 minutes that anyone will put any part of themselves inside the other party. It’s always a prolonged and promised affair, building up forever until it happens - IF it happens that is. I never quite know. It’s just as satisfying if it doesn’t. For me anyway.

What does it say about cash Sinclair that all her favorite porn is about being teased, beaten, and denied, even if it’s with a gentle touch.

I don’t know. Perhaps I can’t know. Even the sharpest knife in the universe cannot cut itself, I imagine consciousness or self awareness functions much the same way. You, dear reader, know more about me than I can ever know about myself I think.

Two

Today, I was lonely, and also I did not eat. I was lonely because I didn’t really make any videos. I post videos so that people will comment on them, and when they comment on them we can talk. This is my primary motivator for doing so, I don’t after all get paid on that platform any longer. I talk to people mainly via TikTok comments. Someone in my head is saying “how sad! How pathetic!” But truly, I don’t quite feel that way, I think…. I think it’s fine. I thought about this as I stood outside with my cig. I thought about it because the next door neighbor and her husband had come down for their daily smoke together. I didn’t say anything as they passed me by and and I felt awkward for it, so on their way back to the apartment gate I was leaning next to, I croaked out a cartoonishly pathetic “hHeyYh” my voice cracked even, I haven’t actually used it in so long. On most days, I only talk to a camera, or to respond out loud to something one of the voices said, or to say “thank you so much” to the DoorDash delivery person when they bring my dinner. Today I didn’t make videos, today no one in my head and I had a long or passionate enough conversation for my responses to involuntarily leave the realm of thought, and I didn’t have money to get any food. I did last night, and saved half of it as I always do so that Ill have something to eat the next morning, which will be enough to hold me over until the sun sets and I can walk to 7/11 or order something. But this morning, my half eaten impossible burger had pulled a disappearing act.

Truly though it’s fine, I think Im only upset about it intellectually because I think I should be, emotionally, I’m entirely apathetic to it. I don’t care, I don’t feel anything about the event really, and it seems like I’ve gotten used to going hungry, so I don’t find myself irritable or in pain because of my lack of sustenance.

It’s fine really, I don’t care.

Three

Anecdote three was going to be about my high school best friend Mike. How he got me into reading One Piece, how highly I think of him, how often I couldn’t quite tell if I just truly appreciated his friendship or if I had a crush on him. How one day he just stopped responding. I don’t know why. We went down separate routes. He went down the joe Rogan, dude bro way and I - well I put on maid outfits and posted cringe TikToks. I suppose it was inevitable but, I miss him. I still think no matter what that he’s a really great guy, incredibly generous and kind hearted. He has one dimple! He’s the only person I’ve met with that, it gives him a really cute smile. I knew a girl in middle school with 6. Six dimples! Her smile was interesting and beautiful, but Mike’s was cute. Anyway, I miss him. I’ll never know if he did ever try to text me because I’ve changed my number thrice since then. I change my phone number so frequently, especially after I have a falling out with someone whether it’s my fault or theirs. I do this on purpose so there’s no bridge for me to walk back over, no chance for reconciliation. Well, it’s not me really. Someone in my head knows how I am. That no matter what someone does to me I’ll go back to them. I always go back. So that someone deletes their number from my phone and any cloud storage, another person up there wipes the number from my head because otherwise I’d remember. I never actually forget anything they just don’t let me have access to it. I know how that sounds but I’m telling you, its true. Just earlier today I was brushing my teeth and remembered something I’d been grasping for a few weeks prior, I think its because I’ve decided to make peace with them all. Anyway, they wont let me remember anyone’s number if we’ve had issues, but I remember my first crushes number for instance,she’s had the same number since third grade: (area code) 868-3700 or my favorite crazy ex’s (area code) 484-5448 Not a problem. I can’t remember Mike’s, or Yujin’s or Shania’s, or My sister’s, or my parent’s. Anyone I really want to talk to.

It’s for the best anyway.

I know how I am.

I really miss everyone whose number I can’t remember though.

But it’s for the best.