big shoes to fill

MoonRose55 sent me a DM asking

“what was it about your ex that really pulled you in?”

and i thought about it for a while, couldn’t quite phrase it succinctly so i just sent a stream of consciousness reply:

“i can’t describe her in a way that would encapsulate it. like i can’t wrap my mind around that person, they don’t make sense to me, in the way the universe doesn’t actually make sense to us. we just had a lot in common and i just loved her and she made me feel like god was real and every bad thing that ever happened to me was good because it led to us meeting.”

and reading back my own response made me remember a video i saw where this girl talked about seeing an interview with this lady that became a nun - gave up on family, marriage, a “normal life” because it didn’t work out wit the love of her life to the degree that she just knew for certain she would never experience such a connection again.

It struck me and it stuck with me but i put it into the back of my head and didn’t think about it again till i was asked that question just now.

i understand that aspect of the nun’s life on an experiential level

and i know now, with peace

i know it with certainty and with peace, that i have to give up on love.

“you can be for everyone that way at least”

“she’s correct, say, you remember that painting of the nun getting railed through a gate?”

i do, we loved that painting together.

“the sign was always there, this was the future as written, nun and all. do not lament.”

i see.

“come, let’s go see what the wind has to say today.”

what does it say?

“maktub.”