i’m not a religious person but i do sometimes think god made you for me.

i never actually quite know what i’ll be writing about when i start an entry. i may have a sentiment or anecdote in mind throughout the day but it always turns into something more or something else.

“you can never quite see the full picture, but it’s beautiful to be pleasantly surprised every time.”

this voice is light, lilting, whispering yet she has an echo.

i don’t actually dislike hearing voices, we have really great conversations, some of them are seriously quite funny. I (?) will make a video and we’ll spend a few minutes laughing about it together before launching it out into the great cacophony

“we have no clue of its fate”

we don’t, and i’m starting to be okay with that. to no longer think of the game, to no longer figure out evolving strategies and fine tuned hashtags. to not know where my next meal is coming from

“just slide”

This voice giggles, and she jumps into my arms, we laugh and twirl around. White lace with sparkling stones scattering rainbows all over as they catch the light. i’m happy, she makes me happy, i’m crazy ! but i’m happy. We’re waltzing forever in a beam of sunlight.

I’m crazy and I’m free.

I like the other ones too! The ones that yell, that push, that make me smoke cigarettes, that threaten me and say i’ll be alone forever because anyone i’m with will find out how out of touch with reality I am and leave me. The ones that hurl insults when I try to remember someone fondly.

Everybody in my head loves me.

and i love them. they’re my family. i don’t need anything else.

oh i’ve just remembered! one of the anecdotes for today was about how, when you visit my website, it tells me what location your IP address is from. Sometimes I see familiar places and wonder if it’s people I know. I hope it’s people I know. I hope they read the blog and still decide to talk to me. Especially the IPs from Chicago, and all the little towns surrounding Boston in Massachusetts, and maybe most of all the one in Korea, I know it’s not him, but I just can’t help but wonder and sometimes hope.

I learn the names of a lot of places like this! Kissimmee, Florida is such a cute one to me. Augusta, Georgia.Red bluff, california. cusco,peru. haverhill,massachusetts. honolulu,hawaii. raahe, northern ostrobothnia,finland. coronel, bío-bío, chile (this one is especially fun to say!) Gauteng, south africa. goiânia,goiâs,Brazil.

Suwon,Gyeonggi,Republic of Korea.

“LAUGHTER STOPS.”

“they told you the name of their city and neighborhood once. so, mister perfect recall why don’t you remember? did you pay attention? did you care? do you actually give a fuck about all the things you say you do or are you just pretending again. If you paid attention, you’d know that isn’t the name of their area, or would you? ysee we remember, but you don’t.”

even if i knew for sure id still wonder if they hadn’t just moved

“despite all evidence to the contrary you remain stubborn. stubborn and fickle. i can’t imagine a more frustrating combination of traits.”

“you forgot hypocritical.”

“yes i did, stubborn,fickle,and hypocritical.”

i’m not having fun anymore.

“tell them about the cats darling.”

oh yes!

there’s a big stray cat problem where i live, maybe it’s because we’re on an island and winter never comes.every night, and i do mean every single night around midnight, they start to howl. They screech, they SCREAM, its blood curdling at times, other times it sounds like they’re singing. haunting stuff. at first i was annoyed, sometimes afraid, the noises could send me spiraling into this thing my brain does where everything becomes very scary. i get so afraid, i feel a creeping dread, danger, often times i can’t stay in my home i get so afraid in there. nowadays though, it’s a little amusing to me when they start, other times i want to join them and also just howl my heart out.