swallow

i woke up from the nightmares, wrote about them, and found i could not leave my bed, nor could i keep my eyes open. i kept falling asleep, and the nightmares kept visiting me.

finally i was set free, 12:43pm. this is the first time in an unimaginably long time ive slept this late into the day.

kitchen. steak & eggs for two, stellla rosa soft red wine to pair, watched two episodes of Killing Eve, said

“she’s literally just like me!! she’s literally me!!”

about four or five times.

cleaned up, stumbled back into my room. the heart palpitations had been especially dramatic this afternoon, i still can’t quite breathe as i write this.

the window is open, the blinds are drawn, there’s no light in here except that which slips through the lines of the blinds, it’s cold. it’s cozy.

i can recognize that this is a problem, that something is wrong. i despise the cold, i never do well in it by any measure. my habitats are always hot and humid.

i know this about myself, that when it’s cold and i’m comfortable in it, the proverbial water is boiling. something bad is happening

“this is an emergency.”

that voice sounds like ice water.

“.085)8 38; ?.! :‡?’(8 )4?;;6*3 †‡]*!”

this voice belongs to a tiny golden ladybug, i don’t know her name, but she’s one of my favorites.

“SINCLAIR!”

it’s started raining just now, i’ll just take a little nap, i feel a headache coming on anyway.