if the universe is indifferent should i then also be?

i’ve spent the majority of the last 48 hours in an altered state of consciousness.

that is to say, i’ve been high for a really long time.

“i’ve learned how to vibrate my pupils like mcmillan could back in middle school”

i think im doing this on purpose. when im high i can be the version of myself i wish to be. i become very laid back and easy going, less disgusted by and averse to expressions of affection (which like, jesus how sad is that?! i’m disgusted by people showing my compassion.!) etc. etc. being high makes me act like less of a neurotic sociopath

but also, I’m not sure i’m (why is that I capitalized and the second one isn’t? literally what is the logic there i mean it’s the same word!!) doing this on purpose. perhaps i am grieving the perceived loss or rights im facing, but i

well

i think im just genuinely surprised beyond my usual pessimism at the current turn of events and recent developments. i truly cannot believe someone who is so publically the worst kind of person, be chosen for arguably the 2nd highest position of privilege.

maybe that, and the letter from my sister, and the other interpersonal difficulties i’m experiencing may be the root cause of this bender i’m on.

that and the general poverty despair

i

i’m fighting with and against myself to write a specific sentence

despite the horror of it all, i seem to be choosing to have a cup of coffee, or rather a spot of tea darling

instead of, the opposite action of having a cup of tea:

killing yourself

“please let me out!”