love’s the death of peace of mind

When I first started reading one piece, zoro was my favorite. I wanted to be just as tough, driven, and stoic as he is.I got a tattoo of his most iconic line to remind me to be that way. I never admit this whenever someone asks why it says “Nothing happened” on the underside of my forearm. I especially liked him because just like me, he was useless with directions and would always get lost whenever trying to go anywhere, even if it was within sight right in front of him, figuratively and literally.

After some time, it was robin. She too was just like me, huge book worm , very interested in world history and archaeology, and came from a pretty bad childhood which led her to become someone you could consider villainous, she did bad things to survive.My favorite thing about robin is her her sense of humor, where she just can’t help but say horribly dark and twisted things as jokes, while everyone looks on in bewilderment and horror. Actually, I think a lot of you reading this can relate to robin in that way too, those of you that think I’m funny anyway. I felt like I really understood her, and when she finally reached a moment in her life, deep into her adulthood, where she finally made friends, and finally felt like she wanted to be alive, I realized I’d found a new aspiration. I hope one day I’ll be able to have a moment where I can declare loudly to my friends “I WANT TO LIVE!”

I’ve always hated sanji vehemently but two interesting developments came about last year. Gia said, “you’re sooooo sanji coded it makes me sick”

I had never made the connection! he lives to cook, more specifically to feed people

“and so do you.”

yes!

His martial art focuses heavily on kicks

“the taekwondo and muay thai?”

correct!

he was rejected by his family and only has a good relationship with his sister,

“he’s also a lecherous womanizer and peerless simp, my love.”

“say the line, bart!”

just like meeeeee!

Everyone in my head is laughing.

I realized I hated him so much because he reminded me of… me. Very predictable! like clockwork even!

so I decided to stop hating sanji, he never became my favorite though.

My current favorite is Nami. When Zoro was my favorite, nami was my least favorite. I really hated her. Last year however, I was rewatching one piece with a system I know and we got to nami’s backstory. One line in particular rooted itself firmly in my mind and heart.

“as long as you stay alive, good things will happen.”

she also had a horrible, traumatic childhood. She had every reason to become dark, bitter, cynical. Instead, ultimately she followed her childhood dreams and became a navigator, literally guiding the way, finding safe passage for her friends so they can achieve their own goals and dreams. She’s not the captain but, it’s her crew yknow?

everyone trusts her and everyone listens.

“what about luffy?”

i never felt i could relate much to him outside of ace’s death, and even then, he bounced back to laugh at everything again, and to make everyone else laugh too.

“isnt that exactly what you do darling?”

not quite, my laughter isn’t real, but i hope one day becomes so.

he doesn’t think too hard, he’s open and welcoming to everyone, he’s always having fun and believes relentlessly in chasing his dream.

I want to be like him one day is the thing.

post script

dust and mold on my ceiling fan visible in a tiktok i posted today. truly id never noticed it, if i did, it didn’t bother me. i’m used to living in conditions such as these, because i’ve always been poor. in fact, this place is an upgrade in a lot of ways from most of the places i’ve slept.

as i’m staring at the fan, i get a facetime call which i ignore and defer to text

quickly,i got annoyed as i talked to my childhood friend who never actually has to worry about money.

“Oh, I have a job opening for you. You wanna come to Germany during winter and watch my cats for me for like two months so I can travel the world I'll give you like two grand. That's good money and that's still less than it would cost for me to put them in a hotel or a pension house, whatever the fuck you wanna call it doggy daycare cat daycare kitty daycare. Send your résumé to my email”

send your resume to my email. while i travel the world. good money. like two grand. while i travel the world.

i reacted to the message with a “HaHa” and moved on to the next subject. or rather, the usual subject, her lamentations on being unable to find love despite being very beautiful, tall, rich to the gills, and living in europe, where you can travel to so many unique countries and experience all the food, culture, and people these places have to offer in less time than it would take you to drive down the east coast.

jealousy aside,it can at times be hard to be friends with her, but i have done since 3rd grade. i care about her and i love her, she frequently angers me. when she brings up the prospect of us simply being an item i can only laugh it off. she’s single because well, a few good reasons. I’m single because well, when it comes down to it, behind all the womanizing, lack of empathy, and general “going crazy”, i simply cannot afford not to have whatever sliver of peace of mind i can claw out and forage for myself.

i can’t afford any of it, in any form.

i can’t afford it.