doomsayer

my foolishness was in believing i had a choice

all these years it’s been “im 100% certain i’ll die when im 27! i can guarantee it because ill do it myself!”

and this year it was

“i can choose to live! i want to grow up to be one of those cool hip 30 year olds, ill be a very cool aunt and then a very kind grandma!! i can be who i want to be! i choose to live!!!!”

it’s becoming clear to me now, as i’m hearing the fifth individual siren drive up the street, as i’m wondering why on this morning in particular there are so many more sirens, as i’m wondering what happened, as one of the voices whispers around the border of my occipital lobe and cerebellum that someone or maybe several someones have died, and probably by their own hands at that

it’s becoming clear to me now

i did not choose to be born

i did not at the beginning choose life

and i cannot now turn around and exclaim that i choose it now

the choice was never mine to make

this yoke was thrust upon me and i was foolish to think i could simply shrug it off

“𝖈𝖔𝖗𝖗𝖊𝖈𝖙”

i know your name now finally

“𝖘𝖕𝖊𝖆𝖐 𝖎𝖙 𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖓”

in𝖊𝖛𝖎𝖙𝖆b𝖎lit𝖞.

“𝖒𝖆k𝖙ub.”