letter from my sister // letter from L.W.

Letter from L.W.

hello aniki, im a reader of your blog and (sometimes) a twitch viewer. im not normally inclined to reach out or even communicate with a stranger on the web, but i found your blog and your story so profound...

i find myself reading your journal entries the same way i look in the mirror... i unfortunately deal with the same circumstances, harsh/neglectful/abusive african immigrant parents and crippling mental illness.

i dont exactly remember which entries of yours sparked this thought in my head, but i think you made the right choice to leave and cut contact with your parents. 

one of the hardest & worst things i had to come face to face with in my life is that my parents and their influence is so deeply embedded in my life & mind, its now daunting for me to ever do something like that. and trust me, ive suffered and payed so much for it. 

i believe at some point you said you wished you were a good child, and not so rebellious... im living proof that doing so would not ever guarantee a better outcome.

i was a "golden child" myself, and still got my ass beat for no reason. i was quiet, and smart with a 3.8 gpa, and so nice and kind and polite. yet i was still punished as harshly for every little perceived mistake and misstep. i was treated as though i was a rebellious delinquent, when in hindsight i was anything but that. followed all the rules, did every thing that adults said a good child does, and that did not stop the hurt, the pain and the guilt.

when i say ive payed for it, i mean i didnt realize their abusive nature until it was way too late. the damage is done for me, (im not being self deprecating or fishing when i say this) im socially stunted, isolated and distrustful of most people, and severely mentally ill. im entirely dependent on them, so deeply intertwined in a mess. its suffocating to live like this- under the control of incredibly cruel people.

so i just want to say, you made the right choice. you have every right to do what you need to do, set those boundaries, cut off contact, ignore and block. the aspect of them being your parents makes all these feelings more complicated, but as someone on the other side of things, i promise you its the best choice you could've made for yourself. 

on another note, i really loved your youtube video about the mermaid series h2o. it gave me so much joy to watch your takes and opinions, really good stuff. 

you have a gift for writing and making meaningful content. im so appreciative 

wishing you well 

Letter from my sister

Hey Sinclair! I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted tell you that I really miss you and that I don’t want to live life without you. To be separated from you breaks my heart, and I would love to rekindle our relationship so that I may show you the love that you should receive. I am sorry for the times I have hurt you in the past, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, so that we can have a wonderful, fun, and loving relationship as siblings.

Ever so sincerely,

~Jessie

“𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖇𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖐𝖎𝖓𝖌”

I’m not letting myself feel it.

“don’t be cruel!”

I can’t run this cycle again, hope and heartbreak after hope and heartbreak

“it’s how you ended up like this.”

Exactly! I came to a realization as we were talking. The other day I said “I don’t know when I became everyone’s punching bag.” Yesterday I said, “on my cocky shi like, I’m him so why am I here letting him do this to me” but it’s clear to me now, I’ve always been a doormat! I’ve always been a punching bag! I thought I was never a people pleaser, I thought I was always adamant about having and doing things my way, but I always, always caved! I had said “I don’t know what it is about me that just draws in and takes this abuse and manipulation from people” but I do know

“𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖐 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖉𝖊𝖘𝖊𝖗𝖛𝖊 𝖎𝖙”

but I don’t deserve it.

“but”

no. I don’t always have to be the calm one, I don’t always have to be the one making peace and breaking up fights or settling conflict, I don’t always have to be the one sacrificing, I don’t always have to be the one cooking and cleaning, I don’t!

“so you’re not going to respond to her letter.”

so I’m not going to respond to her letter.

“so you’re not going to run this same cycle again.”

so I’m not going to run this same cycle again.

“and the next time he insults you or gives you a look”

“𝖊𝖝𝖕𝖑𝖔𝖉𝖊”

I’ve swallowed my anger for a decade!

“put fear back into their hearts, teach them of consequences.”

Yes

“no. something can be done about the venom”

But I want

“you want to be gestalt.”

More than anything else.

“every you”

and every me.