texts from courtney,azalea, and abe.

courtney

she texts to tell me about some positive changes she’s making in her life

“well good, congrats, hope it sticks” i hit send.

then she says

“How are u doing bby”

“bit sick of talking about how i’m doing tbh but ty for askin”

is my response.

and it’s true.

azalea

they say

“Hi”

“hello”

“What’s up with sinclair today”

“what’s up with azalea today?”

they take the hint, after a few turns of phrase and conversational handshakes they say

“I hope you feel better if your avoidance of my question is rooted in feel bad ness”

abe

he starts

“Hope you're doin alright choom”

“allo,how are you”

“Ive been better but last week i was so much worse so there's that”

“c'est la vie”

is all I can muster for him, I simply don’t have it in me to engage. “What was going on last week?” etc etc.

it’s the same pointless circles we all keep running over and over. i’m tired of talking about myself and my feelings, and i’m tired of lying for the sake of social transaction. I’m always tired, my life is still constantly bad, every day is still a fight, even on the ones where i’m being funny. you can ask me tonight, in 8 hours, or 2 days. i feel horrible, i’ve always felt horrible, ill always be feeling horrible. you can’t help,i can’t help! i wish i could but im drowning too! and right now, the version of me that i am, i’m too burnt out to really care if we’re being honest.

“isn’t the point that you find relief in each other? just having someone listen and offer advice and vice versa?”

no! it doesn’t help me at all anymore, and how many more times can i keep saying the same empty platitudes to my friends? keep your chin up, you haven’t been buried you’ve been planted, storm comes to clear the path, etc etc on and on!

“high hypocrisy, how often are you crying about your friends are never-“

texting me and always having to be the one to start conversations and being the only person i know to text “hey just checking up on you” i know, but, 9/10 times no one is ever texting just to talk, just to check in. Someone always wants something, money, or entertainment, or to vent, affection, affirmation, validation,nudes, or to declare something about themselves or their lives important only to them.it’s virtually never just to say hi, and on the rare occasion they do, it’s often just an avenue to get to the part where it’s their turn to talk. It’s rarely if ever earnest, it’s never just for the sake of it.

“and what is it you want?”

who’s to say?! depends on which of you i am on any given day! sometimes nothing, sometimes those exact same things, sometimes just to know that they’re alive.

i’m too preoccupied with not drowning to actually connect to anyone, and it’s probably for the best anyways! we all know how I am, but I can live with that, I can quarantine it! But other people, when they come, they’re just forcing themselves and their ways, and…and..

i know it’s pathetic, i know it’s hypocritical, but they’re always, ALWAYS hurting my feelings.

“i want to go back into my cage”

yes, i want it to be winter again, i want to talk to no one, i want to keep the lights off, i want to sleep in the corner of my small closet.

if i’m miserable and alone, at least im the only one hurting me.

“and what will you do when your friends read this, and one of them texts you just to say hi”

i must apologize in advance . it’s not actually your fault. i’m the issue, one time a therapist told me i expect too much of my friends to make up for my family’s shortcomings. i know i am unreasonable and unfair and a hypocrite and should just play the game.but being sick for a long time makes you irritable. but as always, i mean everything i say with impossible sincerity.