for my mother & father upon eventual notice of my death

I spent the thanksgiving holiday mostly in a dark room by myself.

I drank and smoked weed to stave off memories of the last thanksgiving we were all together.

you two, jessica, myself and yujin.

it was the first time i felt like part of a family.

if i make it to christmas i suspect it will be more of the same.

i also couldn’t help but think of how angry at you i seem to be perpetually.

i know you weren’t equipped with the understanding or right environment to know better, but the pentecostal church branch of south odokco was a cult.

the phenomena of “speaking in tongues” as it was taught to you was effectively meant to ridicule our people and our language

and i wish that day a pastor told me i’d have power over life and death of animals, that i could see the future, and all these other nonsensical claims; you would have come to your senses

instead you fanned the flames, and i’ve never been well partly because of it.

you chose such utter nonsense over me. i understand the thinking and fear behind your devotion and faith but i can’t stop being burnt by the fact that you forsook me for such a thing.

my life is so much harder, so much more dark, because of you chose this over me.

however embarrassing i may be to you and your peers, however shameful, disgraceful, scandalous

above all that, am i not your child?

i could have handled everything else easily if i had your support, emotionally, financially, anything at all. I could have handled the heartbreak, the sepsis, the depression, the mental illness, the insanity, the cancer even HAD YOU NOT FORSAKEN ME!

Instead I was forced to become a cruel and unfeeling creature to survive the torment I suffered at your hands.

Your love was conditional. You made that clear, and I failed to satisfy those conditions. You never had to tell me to turn away because you spent MY WHOLE LIFE REJECTING ME AND I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU AND I WILL DIE HATING YOU.

I will also die missing you terribly.

when time comes and you see this, try not to take it too bitterly, anger aside,i understand why you are as you are.

good luck, be well, stay together for jessica’s sake.