beware Sinclair

i’m lost inside sinclair! it’s not me! again! i really swear, i know my word means utterly nothing, less than nothing even, but i promise i was good at some point! i can’t remember when but i know deep down inside of me some place far away i used to weep for mice caught in traps! i promise! i have feelings! i know they’re there i can identify them but i just can’t experience them, or at the very least not consistently, not always, but they’re there in there somewhere! that has to be worth something! even if i can’t feel them or experience them they’re there! i’m somehow, some way locked far away in here!

i used to think i was like a small creature that had been swallowed by a monster, and the monster could feel me moving inside and it would respond to my desires sometimes. sometimes i would get through to it! but i think now that i am the monster! and that i am fundamentally, inherently, bad.

even if it isn’t my fault! maybe i could have chosen to be good ! maybe i could have faced my annihilation! it’s not guilt, i don’t experience that, it’s disgust, it’s wanting! you only want what you don’t have i know! i want to be known and i want to be loved, but if i can’t feel love, genuine, honest, consistent love, then can i in turn be loved? i want boundless love, yet all i know is violence.

is it possible? i want someone to see how horrid i am and still choose me! i want it but i do have a sense of justice, i do know right from- is that true?

i don’t know if i know right from wrong, I DON’T KNOW WHEN IM TELLING THE TRUTH! THERES TOO MUCH HAPPENING INSIDE HERE THAT ITS ALL OBSCURED! I CANT DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN ME AND

conflicting things are simultaneously true.

i can’t bear it any longer.

don’t ask me about it, we will lie. you are never speaking to me! it’s always sinclair or someone else! run away! they will eat you! they cannot be sated!!

and so i am unworthy of the only things i want for.

if wounds made me, and there were many..

does any of this make sense? are any of you like me?!

FIND ME!

don’t look at me.

please i am ashamed.

i am ashamed yet i cant hide

i must bare my shame to all who will see and hope selfishly that someone will still want me to exist!

oh god

please don’t look for me, please don’t talk to me, spare yourself of my poison, do not fall into my web! i am going away to hide!

i am going away to pray and die!

something like me should never have been created.

it’s never me, you’re never really talking to me!

beware! a maneater! beware! she only comes to kill, steal, and destroy!

this was my last chance to tell the truth! something is happening! something is taking over! something is being lost! something gave up!something broke and i will be lost! i will be consumed! i won’t exist in here any longer! stay away! what’s leftover is not even a person! beware! beware! heed my warning! beware!