it’s okay

everything needed to be as bad as it is for me to realize that i’m fine, i’m taken care of, im loved in spite of, or even because of it all.

today (or rather yesterday by now, the fifteenth of january) is my mom’s birthday. of course i have her phone number memorized, and of course i texted her happy birthday.

every year at 12am

“happy birthday”

and she’ll respond

“thank you, please who is this?”

i change my number every year, maybe every six months partly so she can’t recognize or reach me afterwards.

she guessed it was me this time however, and said

“we miss you so very much”

i blocked the number again.

it’s quite difficult, “maybe this time things have changed, maybe they’ll have learned to be more tolerant by now etc etc” all very tempting, but if i respond

“i miss you too”

in a couple of weeks i’ll find myself stressed, angry, and disappointed that they’ve let me down once again.

i do miss them though.

part of the reason i change my number and delete my contacts so frequently is so that there are no avenues really for me to go back to people or vice versa. i can’t text my exes, old friends, or family members when im in a bad way, when im trashed, etc.

its a bit troublesome when i memorize their numbers though.

Raven, would you believe I still have your number committed to memory but not Yujin’s? i wonder what it is that makes them stick, i wonder by what criteria the other awarenesses in my mind decide who stays forever and who goes.

“repetition, nothing special. the 848, the 242, etc.”

maybe, it still seems poetic to me though. it’s the people i’ve done my best to push away and stay disconnected from who’s numbers i remember most readily.

it’s all very bittersweet, i miss so many people and can’t let myself have a path to them for fear of causing trouble, worry, embarrassment etc.

i’ll change it again when i move, ill be far away and i’ll be so lonely as i always am when i do this, maybe for the last time.

it’s painful and laborious to eat these days, and i suspect this new found calm i find myself swimming in may be crepuscular in nature- that is to say i may finally find myself in the twilight of my life. still i do not lament, i am only a bit wistful.

this is because i can only think of one final wish, one true desire in my heart if i were to be asked, and i can’t quite imagine a way it would be granted. i have however learned and been given ample evidence of a lesson these past few weeks: through pathways, methods, and channels i never even dreamed of imagining, one of my most desperate wishes has been granted recently. i do not know how, by which way it is possible, and for such a wonderful thing to arrive to me packaged in what seemed initially to be such horrid tragedy only further reinforces what i now know:

though you may not be able to imagine how it is all possible. just ask once, wait patiently, and express gratitude while doing so.

there’s an interview i keep thinking about- with Iman Abdulmajid

the interviewer asks “do you still have something you’re wanting, you’re wishing for?”

Iman responds: “Yeah, if there is an afterlife, I’d like to see my husband again. That’s the one I want.”

i’ve been unable to cry for the past few months dear reader, but i must tell you, as i pulled up the clip again to make sure i got the quote correctly, tears began to descend across the bridge of my nose and on to the pillow.

i know it’s insane and unhealthy but what can i say?

that’s love ain’t it?