the only best friend i’ve truly had was my mother

taking to angel i told him that i’d rather suffer a thousand more break ups like that than to ever live a life where my mother turned her back on me

then in a moment of lucidity it dawned on me that this was in fact my reality

she chose the church over me. it was just her and i all my life. she brutalized me but that was love. this? this is murder.

it’s funny yknow, she really believes in heaven and hell, she then really believes that i’m going to hell

some versions of the gospel say in heaven you’ll forget your earthly attachments.

what she killed me for was a future wherein we are not linked

hilarious considering - as i told angel, she once let me know that when i was born, she prayed to her god that no matter what i was feeling, she would feel it too, so that she could understand

yet here we are

here i am

semi voluntary orphan. perpetually brutalized child.

carved out hollow, empty, i feel dead. i’m not even really a person, im somewhat good at pretending to be one, im an okay enough actor

but i have been dead now, for quite long

“what is dead may never die”

how astute. the drink and the smoke take me now.

so complete and irreparably jaded

mine is an experience entirely and exclusively characterized by a great and terrible euphoria

in tandem with a completely banal and factual damnation.

everything taken from me but still here to witness the impossible beauty of the cosmos

forgive me lover

i’m terribly inebriated

yknow the girl in that photo she said

she felt bad for the version of herself in that picture and what was going through

i didn’t understand back then

currently in my head i hear tortured screaming, and simultaneously an islamic dua of gratitude. it’s been going on for quite some time

surely you would understand if- surely wouldn’t hold it against me?

damned, perhaps cursed.

day by day, heartbreak by heartbreak

forgive me

again

terribly terribly inebriated