beware brackish water

another one of my favorite parts was….. having a twin! we’d start most conversations that way actually.

hey twin? twin how are you?, twin can we talk?

we had uhhhh special handshake too. we were ahhh uhhh good friends.

maybe the problem with having a twin, so alike is that, uhhh the bad things are doubled too.

i am ummm difficult. i need the lights to be off and i need you to turn off the music and today don’t touch me and tomorrow we need to be touching at all times and yesterday i sincerely had no emotions and today if you speak to me with a slightly different intonation or if that usual musical lilt is missing from your voice i will cry.

or more likely, feel dejected and angry and withdraw. and become cold.

it was uhhhh good. stream. today and!

who is this?

who speaks like this? which one? someone uhhh bubbly, and air headed but- they aren’t unpleasant to be.

lately i’ve found myself in a more settled state emotionally, i haven’t been… worrying so much about this that

the third or

ummm

yknow like i woke up and the paycheck i was supposed to use to pay 700$ of rent came out to be actually less than 100$ and i looked at it and my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach annnnnd

i said it’s fine, and went back to sleep.

mm and i hadn’t been able to get out of bed or even brush my teeth for a few days so today when i looked at them i realized they were yellow which…. i would usually be very upset over and immediately go buy some whitening strips but!

i said it’s fine and… i carried on about my day and!

each of the several times we were having sex the last two or three nights i realized i wouldn’t be able to cum which is usually frustrating but i said it’s fine and made them cum again instead and

the company i work for now is a texas based corporation so, its possible if not likely that they’ll deny my insurance request for the uhhh surgeries im counting on to give me a reason to want to see the future and continue being myself which!

wouldn’t be the first time and usually errrr i get very paranoid and upset over this every time im denied but!

im thinking about it and thinking that its….fine

my roommate said “ everything is always “it’s fine” with you”

because i had a concussion from an accident and… i thought about it and….. yeah.

it’s fine.

i don’t know what it is or how to articulate it but! i’m fine with it i….. feel like

i feel like flakes of something slowly falling into water and! it’s at the bottom and! it’s gently laying there becoming part of the sediment. settling there. like tetris

tetris?

tetris tetris tetris?

im awake now. what is the significance of tetris?! why did that wake me up?

tetris.

is it because, they would always play tetris on our down time?

have you ever seen the way you type korean on an american keyboard? you should really watch a video of someone doing it.

it’s amazing.

you would think someone is just mashing consonant words together at random but! it’s like a cypher! a code

degzysywiwbw would turn into these characters and then suddenly naver would be up on the sceeen ah.

i’m back there again in that room, watching them use the computer. the sun is beginning to set. not being afraid for once of someone else using my devices. for once having nothing to hide. for once, a trustworthy human being.

ah i see now.

why i’ve turned into sediment there’s

nothing left for me.

which is also…

fine.