like lightning

laying in a strange bed, last night’s love affair to my left, their cat to my right. I’m sandwiched between them and I realize, this is actually… sort of nice. Life is in this moment okay. I hadn’t let myself be touched in so long, and I really do hate cats, but this was alright.

We’re talking about one thing or the other and they turn over and say to me “you are one attractive motherfucker”.

When I hear this, one of the voices whispers to me

“very dangerous things come in very attractive packages”

i feel bad and start imagining all the ways in which i can fuck this up. but i’m not dangerous. i’m not dangerous anymore. i removed my teeth.i won’t hurt them or anyone else. i was only dangerous because my environment required it of me. But now there’s a cat purring next to me, and someone laying their head on my chest, there’s no need to be dangerous in a situation like this.

i’ve taken to listening to buddhist lectures again, just at random points in the day while i work, or when i need to rest for a while. they say things like “there’s nothing to cling on to, and nothing to push against.” and this makes sense to me, or they’ll say

“just because you understand the idea, doesn’t mean you can just instantly be transformed by it, it’s a practice”

this resonates with me, i was always frustrated by this. i read so many holy books and manuscripts and still found myself smoking DMT behind a dumpster with a crack pipe. but today when a terror arises i just remind myself of the things im trying to incorporate into this new form im shaping.

in the last one i listened to earlier this evening, Ajahn Brahm spoke of loving our sufferings. not berating ourselves for them. Accepting them as they come and accepting the ones in the past. He gave some specific examples, and then he said he always told young people, you can’t understand love or relationships without heartbreak, without making mistakes, without fucking things up. Because when you do, you learn these vital lessons that you couldn’t have learned just from knowing the ideas of what to do and what not to do. Once you experience that suffering and loss, you will never.let it happen.again.

when i came to my senses i realized i was exclaiming “ABSOLUTELY!!” out loud.

i’m not dangerous anymore, i don’t have to show up, strike and destroy everything, then disappear faster than anyone can feasibly see ever again.

my roommate arrives home very drunk, i start frying up some noodles for him. he’s laying on the floor freaking out about the fact that im cooking for him.

it’s the only way i know how to help anyone.

“you’re a better knife than you are a person”

that same voice from earlier.

maybe, but not tonight at least.

my roommate often jokingly says cutting or insulting things. he can’t handle kindness so that’s his response. he’s just like me in that way i suppose. i never realized the words would still have their intended effect even if i didnt mean them when i said them but now im learning. i know im too sensitive anyhow and its not a big deal. far too sensitive, and not dangerous.

post script

there’s a little joke my mom and grandma used to do that doesn’t really translate to english. the crux of it is that an old lady is offered a certain food by her grandchild and has to explain to the kid that because all of her teeth have fallen out, she can’t eat this particular food, only porridge.

to tell the joke you fold your lips over your teeth so it’s as though you’re speaking without any teeth. the other part of the joke is that when you speak this way, with your lips folded over your teeth, the words for that specific food and the word for porridge sort of rhyme? or sound similar in a way because you can’t use your teeth. it’s hard to explain, there’s a lot of cultural reference and nuance to it.

there’s another joke my mom liked, also doesn’t translate well to english

but basically a beggar is given like a 20 dollar bill, he’s been so hungry that he immediately runs and gets some food with it, then scarfs it all down so quickly that it makes him terribly sick or maybe it was that there’s something foul or spoiled with the food and he pukes. when this happens, his first reaction is to exclaim “OH GOD! IVE WASTED MONEY!” the phrase is more like “oh god this was a hugely unworthy expense/financial mistake!!”

i was there the first time my mom heard that joke. she laughed so hard she was paralyzed on the floor for several minutes and made a remark about peeing herself when she could speak again.

it’s really a very funny joke, doesn’t work well in english.

ha ha

ha

or hey have you heard the one joker tells batman about two mental patients breaking out of the asylum?

ask me to tell it to you some time, it’s really good.