481 days

some celebrity premiered his movie at my job today. with him came 110 hollywood people, their entourages, fans, etc. all this on top of the other packed and sold out theaters meant tonight was punishing.

it was all a bit disgusting to watch, the fan behavior, the egregious waste of food, and the even more extreme waste of money that went into making such a sub par, mediocre at best movie.

i’m terribly jealous of everyone who was there.

what must it be like, the celebrity, the money. i served him (the star of the thing) and later saw him staring at his movie poster in the only moment of solitude he’d had all night.

the random girl who was talking his ear off all night was using the rest room.

i wonder if they’re gonna fuck.

he’s not an attractive man by any means but still, money trumps everything else i suppose.

cleaning up in the two theaters they trashed, i felt dejected. every margarita glass and untouched chicken tender reminded me just how poor i am. just how much ive failed at achieving any semblance of a “successful life”

i watched the hollywood people talk amongst themselves, i watched my coworkers talk to each other, and i squatted my myself at the service station, waiting for drinks or food orders to come in.

i’m well liked, i have several friends there already, i just never engage with anyone, im simply not interested at all in whatever it is they’re discussing.

i had many moments alone with this famous guy and never talked to him. im just not interested at all in any celebrity or wherever it is they’re doing.

i don’t like any part of it at all

and i don’t like being alive.

i’m tall and able bodied and good looking and i live in america. i know many people would kill to be in my position.

still, id very happily trade it all to simply not be at all.

“in the world, but not of the world?”

nothing so grand.

a mix of my roommates anti anxiety pills, the kind that slow down your heart rate; and too much menáge a trois soft red blend.

i’m stumbling to bed as i write this. i will go to sleep, and like most other nights, i will pray not to wake up.

481 days, im waiting for something good to happen in my life. i’ve already expended more effort than is reasonable for 3 lifetimes trying to make it happen.

now i’m just waiting.

481 days.

presumptive of me to think i’ll even last that long.

481 days.