Pascal’s Wager Vol.1: Wanzeler

We met in elementary school, and I still think about him to this day. He was everything I ever wanted to be.

I was always very proud of the fact that I was the tallest kid in class, and then he showed up, 2-3 inches taller. I was always obsessed with martial arts, capoeira especially, Id never seen anything like it . but once we came to america, after a while my parents decided i would no longer be allowed to practice, we couldn’t afford classes here. He however, was not poor.

His dad owned a telecom company back in Brazil at the time right before facebook was about to explode changing and drastically increasing demand for mobile data services. I reiterate, he was already not poor.

Capoeira and taekwondo both during the week, he’d tell me all about it.

BECAUSE HE WAS NICE TO ME! how awful!

I know people now consider me handsome, but back then, when beauty standards had not transformed into what they are today, and especially as puberty kicked in, I would be considered ugly as sin.

He was always extremely, Extremely good looking. God the girls loved him.

The worst part, he somehow got even hotter in adulthood!! I look up his instagram every once in a while just to humble myself.

He was tall, and rich, and got to do everything I wanted to do but either couldn’t afford to or wasn’t allowed to, and he was very handsome, and a genuinely kind person.

HOW MADDENING!!

A surprising development when I looked him up the first time in our adulthood is that he’s devoutly christian now it seems. I can’t even take any smug enjoyment out of that because it seems to be working out really well for him.

He is basically everything my family hoped I would be, oh how they would love if I was him or like him, and that’s the part that burns the most.

He came to mind today because I was thinking about religion, and all the times I re pledged myself to jesus, and how I could never stick to it because well, a few reasons.

The answers didn’t satisfy me, I couldn’t have blind devotion and faith, and the sacrifices to my personhood and desired lifestyle Id have to make to be a good christian were simply too much to ask of me.

To put it plainly, I just liked doing bad shit. It’s funny, I don’t so much these days, I have empathy now and I’ve suffered enough to never wish any sort of suffering on anyone else but back in my youth, revelry! delight!

I would never have made it to heaven.

My life now perhaps would have been much easier though. I’d have family and community. I’d be married and have kids, maybe even a college degree, etc. If I was obedient, if I maintained the cleanliness which I was so often told was next to godliness.

This is a value I see when it comes to faith, it is a safe path, therefore there’s a zero percent chance I would have ever taken it. I heard a funny lyric today, “people in hell want ice water”

It makes sense I would be looking over at the safer path, and wanting for all its apparent bounties.

I was doomed from the start because of my nature, and because of that I shouldn’t have any deep seated lamentations about the way my life turned out.

Because of that I suppose I should be happy my family chose the church over me. When they die, if the christian God is real, they’re probably doing just fine.

If there’s nothing there, then they lived good safe lives also.

All this on my mind because this morning, when it wasn’t my turn, I was thinking about how as far as I know and believe, I have roughly a year and some change to live. I considered repenting, spending that last year as a good, pious man, so that when the world time comes, I’ll be less scared of going to hell.

I heard someone say in my head

“you can just choose to live!”

I can’t quite articulate the strong, all encompassing wave of disbelief that quickly drowned out that voice.

It is just not in my nature to be good.

post script

When I wrote that last sentence, I saw a vision of myself dancing with a woman. Tight slicked back pony tail, red flamenco dress. We’re spinning and spinning and spinning, the fire around us is red and purple and green and orange and we’re spinning. Shes smiling, and from behind my eyes I can feel that I’m smiling too.