Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person

i’m watching a film about a vampire who is too full of compassion and empathy to kill humans, and because of this she is starving, she’s at odds with her family, and the world as a whole.

she says at one point while talking in a support group “i have to do a bad thing and if i don’t do it i’ll die”.

man i mean, SHE’S LITERALLY ME!

i don’t believe i feel remorse because true remorse should stop you from doing a thing again no? even from your imaginings of the effects and potential outcomes.

i don’t think i have a conscience, how would i differentiate from all the voices in my head that i listen to and speak with daily. some encouraging horrible behaviors, some operating like saints.

guilt?typically i, or one of i believes deeply in whatever it is we are doing or saying, or at least, it’s blurry, muddled. would i do a thing i know is wrong with no good reason? if i have a good enough reason to do a bad thing or i was left with no reasonable choice, then why should i feel - i don’t know

its not guilt, its not remorse, there’s no conscience.

my punishment, what i feel- maybe disappointed? disgust?

if a murderer’s true punishment is to never sleep well again for example, then mine is feeling like i’ve let myself down? i’ve failed to achieve the ideal? i could be so good, i could bathe in the light of god and stay in the sun, i could be beautiful.

but then again, some of me admires and encourages- how can i put it? for lack of a better term, the darkness.

i know how it sounds but humor me. as good as it would feel to be a good boy, one of god’s children, it feels just as good, if not better to

“release me.”

yes.

as i see myself now, in my mind’s eye i am covered in tar, i am being pulled into endless dark nothing, and i am not fighting as hard as i used to. i am giving in.

“your guilt will not absolve you.”

“a dog that regrets its bite is no better than one who doesn’t”

then of what use is guilt?

still though there is something, i am being punished and i must be guilty of something. there is a tension, a strife, an unpleasantness that comes with being this sort of animal- that and a real loneliness to it. a solitary confinement.

there comes a point in the last act of the film, where she fears she’s accidentally killed her first and only friend ever. a human, the only person who’s ever been able to arouse her bloodlust and now, facing the consequences of chasing that feeling she sits there, blood still dripping down her chin.

the look of sheer horror and disgust with one’s own monstrosity. to be made so violently aware of what you’re capable, this is it! that is my punishment.

heaven and hell are places on earth, are places in one’s own mind, i believe this wholeheartedly, i so frequently traverse them both.

an experience seemingly impossible to articulate presented so concisely on my screen.

a few minutes earlier in the film, before the incident, the two are discussing their dying wishes and the vampire when asked says hers would be

“to see the sun.”

a vampire who wishes to see the sun. the very instrument of her righteous destruction.

how perfect. finally i am seen, finally i am known.

the sin of simply being Sin must be rectified.

post script

the pious answer, the just and righteous thing to do when you “have to do a bad thing or die”

is simply to die.

i have always wanted to do the right thing.