3 pink trash bags in the corner of my room
i’m forgetting how to talk. like physically speak. keeping my mouth shut takes so much less energy than talking and calculating proper inputs. i think it’s because i don’t really go outside anymore. well i do, every day around 5 or 6 pm i go out to the bodega, its the same old korean lady there watching tv. well she’s not old, she could be in her 50s with just a lot of gray hairs, and she never talks either, except one time when i asked if she was into tarot stuff because she’s often wearing t shirts with tarot cards on them. she never wears a bra and most of the time i show up in the exact same shirt because it lets me get away with not wearing a bra too. i wave and she waves and she’ll smile at me and ill do the same and that’s it.
maybe that’s why i like going to her store in particular even though there’s one technically closer.
if it’s a bad day, i smoke a cigarette outside. sometimes the neighbor and her husband are there but we don’t talk. they’re really nice though.
when i get lonely ill say something outrageous on tiktok and talk to you guys in the comments. a shut in with 3 pink garbage bags in my room.
i talk to animals a lot though, without even thinking about it really, just comes out of me.
it’s the same thing with food. i can’t finish a meal any more, my stomach has shrunk. i think it started with saving half of every meal so i know ill have some for later. it started at saving 50% but now its more like saving 75%
and then more and more my stomach shrinks and more and more i forget how to talk.
i don’t feel bad though. i still look forward to filming for my travel show. i used to try to push myself to talk on camera while im filming but i gave up on that. i think scripted voice overs will produce better quality content anyways.
i think it’s not just love that i gave up on.
anyways,
i found out about another writer that really spoke to me. she really got it yknow, she really got it. turns out she deleted herself the year i was born though so that’s a bummer.
i wondered if im her reincarnation because she especially liked aphex twin just as much, down to avril 14th especially! and then i thought that’s really stupid and insensitive of me maybe.
deleted?
deleted…
deleted herself?
why that word choice?
anyways
i’m having fun in my room by myself
as always
