human adults usually have 32 teeth
I got pretty into acid when I dropped out of high school. My best friend at the time got me into it and coincidentally he lived right up the street from my girlfriend so I was there in that neighborhood constantly.
One day after dropping some lightly dosed tabs and hanging out with him for a few hours I decided to head down the street to hers. I descended the hill as my mind simultaneously came down from the peak of the acid trip and though I was still very much tripping, I could think a bit more coherently. I thought about my girlfriend, I thought about what we’d do, what we’d eat, what we’d talk about, and how we’d have sex. I was really looking forward to seeing her, I was genuinely quite a big fan of hers, I loved spending time with her, she taught me that sex can be a positive experience, I’m really excited to see her Im really excited to talk to her IM REALLY EXCITED TO EAT WITH HER IM REALLY EXCITED TO FUCK HER IM REALLY EXCITED TO -
I was struck with a moment of realization. My desire felt like…. violence?
I remember a moment from one of the first times I experimented with psychedelics. I was staring at my hand so long and so intensely that I felt my consciousness transfer into my hand. I became my hand, I was my hand in totality.
A similar feeling struck me as I stopped dead in my tracks halfway down this hill on the road to my girlfriend’s house. This time, I felt like a mouth. Not my own mouth in this instance no, just a giant disembodied maw, with many rows of teeth.
My desire felt like violence, felt like anger, felt like love. I learned then, as if a lightning bolt of knowledge had struck my head - sex and violence feel the same to me. SEX AND VIOLENCE FEEL THE SAME TO ME. THE ONLY WAY IM CAPABLE OF EXPRESSING ROMANTIC LOVE IS WITH FOOD OR SEX! and so- perhaps the violent and/or cannibalistic intrusive thoughts that flash so constantly behind my eyelids when I try to relax don’t just come from nowhere, imagine that!
It’s all been especially present this week. I’ve been so fucking horny for this person I’ve started spending more time with. I “listen actively” while they speak and hope the tiny micro expressions that are inevitably flashing across my face, and the constant swallowing does not betray the fact that I’m actively swatting away intrusive thoughts about sinking all 34 of my teeth into the side of their neck.
I understood as immediately as I came to that realization that the reason was that well, of course - after all those beatings and molestations, from family members no less, why wouldn’t I confuse love with violence? It makes perfect sense.
I understand myself a bit better, and so I mourn for myself even more deeply.
I continued walking, I met up with my girlfriend, we had a lovely evening.
I could not bring myself to touch her.
post script
The sharpest knife can’t cut itself, it is always measured by the presence of other things. So sitting there listening to my friends and their friends share their experiences of what they felt was such harsh hardship growing up made me realize:
“oh! I really was so unfortunate.”
I smile and nod empathetically at their stories, and secretly burn with jealousy that such things were the worst they had to face.
