you dodged a bullet

"My God, my God, whose performance am I watching?

How many people am I ? Who am I ? What is this space between myself and myself?"

clip from an old tv show where they prank celebrities

they staged a massive fire for this episode’s victim to return to

loads of firefighters, police swarming him, neighbor swearing in his face

his own personal apocalypse

a scene straight out of Manchester By The Sea

hugh jackman is quite the specimen of a “man”

tall and muscular, good bone structure, all of it

rich and famous to boot

he could have responded in any way and gotten away with it

the only thing he said during all this, as he become the very visage of primal fear, dread

“Can i just call my wife?”

sinking.

suddenly the sinking turns into a tumbling descent.

head over heels over head over heels i’m falling into nothing forever.

the self loathing has gotten stale i know

allow me only one more admission

every time any sort of relationship falls apart

every single time

without fail

my first thought

“honestly you dodged a bullet, i would have probably ruined your life”

post script

oncology visit

“𝖍𝖔𝖜 𝖜𝖆𝖘 𝖎𝖙?”

can i just call my wife?

“what did you lose?”

a gift. a gift that was meant for me, to make it possible to live.

if i still had that, i would beat this thing like i did everything else.

but i don’t, i threw it away.

so now

“𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖊𝖓𝖉”