incapable of beauty

“Be vigilant. I love you.”

I wanted to leave something like this behind, beautiful, inspiring, etc.

It just feels so shallow, incomplete, false even, coming from me.

what do I know of love outside of a singular experience rooted in twisted, sick, wrong ways of being;of relating?

even that was spectacularly unsuccessful and wildly destructive. the ramifications persist to this very moment in time as i write this. the ripples continue on and many people will suffer because of me and my inadequacies.

i don’t know love, it was never shown to me in a healthy way. violence and sex is all i got, it’s all i know.

even then, there was always something off about me so i don’t actually blame my parents. i was always aware, always awake, and always consistently choosing to do the wrong things. they could have shown me as much love and nurturing as possible, i would have still become a sick facsimile of a real human being.

i don’t know friendship outside of extreme conditionality or transaction either.

i don’t know anything, i couldn’t do or make anything worthwhile or beautiful.

it’s not “woe is me!”

it’s don’t listen to me, don’t be like me.

i’m not inspiring, i’m not cool, i’m not a positive influence.

everything is falsehood.

waste of oxygen, glad to die.

i’m nothing.

protect yourself, stay away from me or i will consume you too; to momentarily sate this endless nothing.