1:00AM near lake michigan

it’s funny to me uh

how do i articulate this

sometimes when something is wrong,and i try to think about it, or start to feel this frustration or desire to complain.

and then it’s like i see this impossibly huge mountain just looming over directly in front of me.

it instills such a sense of futility that i just sort of…shut up.

my head gets empty for once and my mouth closes.

yknow what it is rather.

i start to try to think of solutions or think my way around the problem, and then i see that mountain.

i just get quiet and sit there with the cosmic defeat presented before me

something happened today and i started to complain in my head yknow

“god i wish i had rich parents or at least middle class ones i wish i wasn’t an unironically poor african immigrant” etc etc etc

the thought just sort of trailed off, the mountain loomed, i shrunk and got quiet.

i thought about walking into the lake again.

i’ve been thinking of walking into the lake again, there are just so many massive problems and debts ahead of me.

so many impossible looming mountains.

it’s hilarious how many of my problems would be solved with just the right amount of money but that’s everyone’s issue isn’t it?

silly.

my grandma was very vocal towards my parents that they should stop beating me. she favored me, she was so kind to me in so many ways, i can only recognize it in hindsight, as an adult. i think i still feel her love to this day. i really do.

it’s silly what killed her. the amount of money needed for her treatment, i’ve probably collectively spent on much more trivial things over the last few years of my life in america.

such a simple procedure, her life would have been saved. she’d probably still be alive, we’re quite long lived on both sides of my family.

what some people spend on their diamond teeth or 6th car like nothing equates to an impossible mountain for me and so i was thinking about walking into the lake again.

but then all of my roommate’s friends started flowing in for movie night

really great bunch.

focused on that instead.

for now anyway.